Heart pieces

Almost one year ago I was writing ‘I know’ … my heart was warning me about the meeting that will happen next day…

Almost one year after…just 3 more weeks are missing to have one year … I want so badly to be able to forget it all …  mentally, I’ve managed to erase many memories, to replace our memories in  some places with new memories, nice ones, with new good things…mentally, I almost could do it, I closed my eyes to what I didn’t wanted to see anymore in my memory and I’ve looked in new places, new memories, new stories … and it worked until now… but now…for a few days my heart keeps throwing me back to that black  depressive state from January – February after hearing that ‘it’s over’ from the person that I’ve least wanted to hear it… and it’s too true… you can close your eyes to don’t see what you don’t want to see…but you can’t close your heart to the things you don’t want to feel…

I have to forget what hurt me… I have long time forgiven him .. even if he never asked for it… but I still haven’t forgiven myself completely .. and every time I feel anger on him as I initially think I do… I realize soon after I am angry on myself … on the fact that I had to learn all these lessons by going through them not by listening to my intuition and to other’s people’s lessons….and still I have to forgive myself and to forget all the hurt one day…

… because anger, on me or on anyone else is not what I want to feel … is not what I am … is not what I want to cloud my life…I know for a long time that forgiveness is the way… but I still can’t forgive myself for believing blindly in what he was saying … for allowing it all to happen…I don’t know when that forgiveness will come…when that green grass relief will come into my soul …

…I’ve been giving a lot of pieces of my mind on this topic here…and many more in private talks…after my heart was shredded to pieces…it’s not the kind of piece of heart that I want to offer to others…it’s too dark and gloomy and broken these days …

…hopefully it will get better, good enough to be able to share more, significantly more pieces of heart instead of pieces of mind from now on on this subject … and hopefully to share cheerfully pieces of my heart …