The pond…

“Goodbye,” said the fox. “And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”  (The little prince)

I can’t sleep ….

it’s been a week since we last met, since he is out of town and I know that he is not coming back….it’s been at least a month and a half since I know that I will not do a thing to get him back, I don’t want him back…and then why can’t I sleep? Why can’t I be in peace?  If before, when he was here, all this aggro and sleepless night were provoked by the fact that he was here in town while knowing what I knew…now he’s not here and I don’t want him to be here and I was hoping that I will have the needed space to heal….then why the F%%%k can’t I sleep properly?

No matter how many books I read, no matter how early or how late I sleep, no matter how many walks I do and how dead tired I get home directly to sleep, no matter if nothing related to him was in my day and evening, no matter how happy was my day….somewhere in the middle of the night I wake up and I can’t sleep for hours after….and I feel bad and I fight with myself and with my conscious…I feel bad because, even though my intentions were for real as I said last Friday, I was not there for me or for him, I feel bad because my message could not reach through, his heart was to closed to accept anything I said and  his attitude was defensive aggresive and doing the best to avoid a talk, trying to put jokes on the table instead of understanding why I was there…and still, even though he behaved like this and he doesn’t deserve one look back from me, for one week every night I keep feeling bad and I keep fighting with myself because I think I shouldn’t feel bad, he doesn’t deserve all the things I know and that could help him eventually….for one week I turned my back to him and let him pay for it all, because what turns around comes around, I’ve seen it already in some more people’s life that I know, it’s not just a saying …and for one week i get up in the middle of the night and feel bad because I was not meeting him for seducing him again (like he said…another disappointing remark of his considering my real purpose there…men!! I thought he’s different…not really…)  I was not there for me  (because in the end…even the peace of mind that we talked about it’s not worth if I feel I disappointed myself and somebody else and I cannot have the peace of mind to sleep because of this) ….I was there because I believed I could do something good for someone else, for R….someone else that will be affected if it all comes around…and i could not do that cause I had no one that I could reach in front of me…all I could do in the end is get so sad and disappointed that I just kept inside me all the things that I wanted to say…and when my heart could not carry the sadness anymore, it all flooded out through my eyes…that is what you saw….sadness and bitter disappointment, not love like you said…check this wheel of emotion to understand where love is and where sadness and disappointment are…and think of where you were in that moment, defensive, annoyed and even aggresive, saying that I am angry at you….no, you got it all wrong, I was not angry on you on Friday…Angry was when I wanted to cut all contact because you don’t deserve any of the things that could help you…angry was when I deleted all Adele, Ayo, Prince and Caro Emerald songs from my mp3….angry was when I wanted to cut my hair super short just because I wanted a change….I was not angry on you on Friday…considering what I knew and the way you kept lying in my face, I should have been angry…but I could only be deeply disappointed by you, your behaviour and your character…

….Even though I want to do the good things that I know I should…..writting this now I am procrastinating like I’ve never been since I’ve met you, since I started writing about all these things that happened….because you don’t deserve this help since you don’t want it and you behaved like you did …because I don’t want to go through all of it again and think about it, I don’t deserve the pain of it all  …but there is an innocent soul that deserves better….and for that idea I will force myself to write about it all …and let you understand when your time will come, when you will read and you will have your heart open enough in order to understand…because there are things that are invisible to the eye and can be seen only through the heart… you should read The little prince book …

Just like I said to you when we talked at one moment, just like I said when I wrote in some other posts….I don’t know which of my words will be the ones that will trigger the needed change in you and in her….so I will write it all, about my experience of that last meeting, about my perception on what things are now for me, for you…about all …and if you think again that i have no idea what is the real situation now…maybe I don’t, but I know that if the heart and feelings are still there in the right direction for both, no matter if papers were signed by one or both, no matter if papers were registered, the big issue is not papers…the big issue is trust….because the poker joker face that you had with me you had with her as well for many times…and up to a point, a woman that cares for you can take all the lies and can forgive….more than that, it’s not a matter of loosing her self confidence like you said, it’s a matter of loosing her trust in you because she sees what you’re doing even if maybe she doesn’t say …and it’s a matter of breaking her trust over and over again, exactly when she is willing to repair that trust in you….so no, papers are not an issue, a relationship can hold with or without papers…..but trust and joy are the glass foundation that once destroyed, makes hard or impossible to keep a relationship going…..and only if  trust reappears, joy will get back and there is a chance for happiness again, built on the right foundations this time….

That being said, it’s time to tell the story with my whole heart, like I felt it and perceived it in that last meeting of ours…no matter how much it hurts me and how much i want to avoid telling it….I am not doing it for me, I am actually risking to lose the only “meaningful” thing for me out of this situation …and I don’t care if I lose it, even if now I am on the edge to need that support in real life, cause my spark had ignited… but I don’t care if you take that back, I’m willing to risk it all because it’s more important for me now to know that I did what I thought it’s the right thing for someone innocent than to have on my soul the idea that i did not do my best to send the message where it should reach….to your heart…so that I can actually help that innocent soul that I talked about…

…. It’s already 2 days since I started this post….and it’s not over…but even though I keep avoiding to write it, I keep procrastinating ….I keep avoiding to take this bitter Pill…..but just by taking this decision and I already don’t wake up in the middle of the night…at least this is clearly showing that this is something that will help at least me once it will be done…if this will help you? I don’t know, because first you need to help yourself…and while having a closed heart, you will feel hurt and angry of all the things that I will say…but maybe you should read this post and  this post and its comments to understand that I am not writing here with the intention to hurt you…on the contrary, this is one last helping hand for you ….but it will take time until you will see it all for what it truly is…

You think I’ve stayed too long on this “issue” and you want me to “grow up”, isn’t it? You want me to move on faster after the end of whatever we had..cause hey, it’s life, things work out or not….it’s not what you said to me when you said it’s over….your white lies made it sound like is something else…like it’s not because of you, it’s because of the emotional attachment that you have to your past… which can be true…but it was not the truth, the real reason in our case….I would have appreciated 1000 times more a truth something like “Look, I don’t want to hurt you, but if you may have looked for someone like me, I was not searching for someone like you or I am not emotionally available for anything because of my past…and after years of heavy emotional situations, I just need time off, easy, no strings attached and you’re getting too much attached for what I need…” …I would have understand this, I tell you…sure, it would have hurt, but no more than it hurt with the lies you’ve told me….but at least it wouldn’t put me on hold and on pain for so long until I would figure it all out on my own…..at least I could have  moved on faster cause…hey…I’d rather have a life of Oh well than what ifs.…and it’s not working….Oh, well…! so it is….the truth could have set me free much faster, would have opened a much easier path for me, with less pain involved….your lies opened a path of much bigger suffering, a path of not having peace because I knew things were not right but did not knew what was not right…. if you would have said the truth, I would have moved on much faster….the fact that I knew something was wrong, that I was not in peace with what you told me, that I stayed with this until now, trying to figure out what is the truth is what produced aggro to you because I was getting closer and closer of what it really was and your lies were just uncovered more and more….and from the beginning you could not be the friend that I needed and that could support my growth …and because of this reason, you have no right to think that I should “grow up”, especially if you’re only thinking it, but not talking it to me…like I said in Comfort&Growing up ….”when we’re growing, we’re always going to be out of our comfort zone…. […] I appreciate so much the people who have the courage to tell you the truth in your face, offering also support for change if needed. And if the truth is told in a gentle way, it’s even more appreciated. Because even when you’re honest, there’s no need to be cruel. It’s harder to be kind that to be smart. (press link for the explanation)”

Treat a man as he is and you make him worse than he is.

Treat a man as he has the potential to become and you make him better than he is. Goethe

I was reading again these days one of my previous posts, Zen & Potential  … I was writing then about 2 ideas,  if it’s wiser to take things as they are or to take things as they have the potential to become…. and in this ending I preferred to take things as they have the potential to become…because if I were to take them as they are and treat you as you are … I wouldn’t lose a thing, I’ve learned my lessons, I’ve been my friend and I’ve grown up a lot … but you wouldn’t learn and understand a thing…you’re still reluctant to understand things, but you will one day…

And even though you deserve to be treated like you are….and to be let to pay for it all when all will come back to you…I will treat you like you have the potential to become…to make you better than you are now…and it’s not even for my own benefit…I told you who will be the person who will benefit in the end the most if you do change and become better …

I will tell you once again that trust is the key issue in this situation….Re-gain her trust and the rest will follow….you wonder how to do that? How about starting with telling her the truth? The truth about the 2 Munich options and about all the other options that were around when officially you were hers….yes, it’s crazy …but it will work….it will hurt her, it will make her reject you, get angry at you, but in the end she will see if you are truly sorry and truly wanting to change….and she will build up her trust in you again ….but if you’re not true to this change, one bad step afterwards and it will be over for good….it’s up to you in this case….

Remember the glass analogy that I told you about and read these posts …read  the wheel of emotions….Remember that Ruin is a gift if you manage to build something better on real solid foundations….remember that your words can hurt or can heal….and for once since I’ve told you about it, go through this invitation and through the whole-hearted post and see what is missing in your heart….and if you want to start again on the right foundations, think and consider what is meaningful for you and for her in a relationship and do the needed changes….and if you are truly willing to change, going through this path might be what you need to gain it all back….. if not, you’ll worth everything that will come in your way sooner or later….

Trust…..I was writing about the importance of trust and truth in my life in The forgiving force:

I don’t like lies, I don’t like people lying and most of the times I can tell when someone is lying to me, I know it because in most cases my intuition matched the fact that I saw the proof later on. But even if I know it, I almost never tell people in their face that they are lying to me. I let them manifest themselves as they are and then I learn how much trust to put in them in the future.

Looking back, I remember this is the thought that I had on my bday 15th of March around noon…”If your gut feeling tells you what they said was a lie, it probably was. Best to just move on. Karma returns the favor.”

So I can spot the lies …but there’s something that I don’t understand though and I will not put more effort into understanding it further…this number 11….why is this 11 poping up whenever I look back to this situation? Frauenhoferstr. 11 where we met the second time and then we went to Buenavista, at number 2A where the 2A first kissed…and it all evolved just like my feelings until it reached 11 ….Sitar, Robert-Koch-Strasse 4, followed again by Frauenhoferstr. 11, then  Paris Bar was Gravellottestr. 7,  then Peaches at Feilitzschstr 9 and then the mansion place marked by number 11 followed….Orleanstr. 11 was the place where we met in sunny november….and now you tell me the age difference is 11 (as long as you don’t show the ID, I am not willing to believe you anyway…there are too many lies coming from you to give you the slightest trust from now on without proof…but with or without this age difference, 11 still keeps popping up wherever I look…) …and the other days I read again one of our chats….and on 11th of January you were telling me that in that morning you were not dreaming codes, but you may have dreamt a solution to solve some of your “issues” ….now I know that I was one of them…probably in that night you were with the other local option that probably likes soccer and poker… you just disappeared in the fog in that night even though I was trying to meet you in that evening for that Arsenal play…

You laughed at me last Friday when I said that I know there is another one around, that what you said to me was a lie…you laughed, you lied again in my face and said that is your only proof? ….I can’t tell you how sad all that made me feel ….how disappointed in you …no, it’s not my only proof, but there was no need to argue with your closed attitude….one day, I will meet Tanja…there’s no need to explain who is she, isn’t it? ……there will be serious efforts made to prevent me from meeting her…but there’s no need, I could have contacted and met her dozens of time until now, I know how to if I want to… but I don’t want to meet her…she is not important in this story, not more than setting the circumstances needed so that I can see your true colours…. unfortunately, just like I knew for years that one day I will meet you, I know that one day I will meet her, no matter if I want or not, I will meet her…when I will not expect it, where I will not expect it…and that meeting moment will be a better one than if the meeting would happen now…. I can force the meeting earlier, even this week if I want, but I won’t, I will be meeting her when the time is right, it will be better for both of us…

So yes, I know that you lied to my face and I was looking at you lying to me…but worse than not admitting the lie, what hurt me the most when we last met was the fact that even though you knew you were lying, you tried to make it look like I should doubt myself, that I am the crazy one for saying this, that I see too much into things, that I am too “creative”, saying it all with such a poker joker face and such a face full of expression and smiling…a face with a smiling dimple that once I enjoyed so much, but now it’s just sad and disappointing to see it lying and manipulating ….and all I wanted to say in that moment was “Stupid, I’m your friend, not your enemy! Stupid, with the fact that I still care enough to come here even though I’m not here for me or for you, but for someone important to you….Stupid, I am your friend! Even though I saw you lying, even though I saw you trying to turn the whole thing on me and make me loose confidence in myself…even so, I am still a better friend than you ever were to me…..and one day you will see it….but now I can’t speak more ….I can’t speak more because your heart is closed….your attitude is wrong and your heart is closed….and you will pay for that, and I am sorry because I know it already ….and I can’t do a  thing to help you avoid it and in this way to help R…, I can’t because you don’t do a thing to help yourself…” and so seeing your annoyed defensive aggresive attitude and your closed heart I did not say anything anymore, I kept it all inside and my heart just got sadder and sadder and more disappointed the more we talked, the more I saw your true colours….and when my heart could not take it anymore, that’s what you saw coming up in my eyes…in the brief moment when you had the courage to really look in them….cause later on you could not even look, you just avoided looking at me…

And in your own twisted way, I know that you cared for me….that you didn’t wanted me to get hurt…and that you thought a lot on how to make it less painful for me.. but you chose the wrong way…and you sticked to going the wrong way all the way, even if talking openly would have been better and much more appreciated….so no, you’re not a bad man  doing bad intentionally….but you’re not a good man as well, there are big faulty issues in your character that just makes me realize that the way you are now, for sure you’re not what I am searching for…and for this, I thank you for leaving me…it’s better now than discovering this later…

….looking back, I see things and talks that we had as if I was in the middle of a strategic chess play… …on 9th of January when we’ve met finally after almost 2 months, you already were thinking on how to make me hurt less…you were asking me whether it’s better to say white lies or the truth, which one hurts less….you were already trying to prepare me for what was about to come from your side …I couldn’t see it then…I just felt such a cold when you asked me that…and this cold was coming when we finally met after 2 months of living away….when I was so eager to meet you again, I just wanted to hug you, to kiss you…but even though I wanted this, there was something that kept me from doing this, something was wrong and I could feel it then, a halo of cold kept me on hold and left me wondering what was that? … I ignored it, I thought it’s me, it’s the shyness that I felt in that moment because I didn’t knew better where I was and what I wanted and if it was right what I wanted…because I was getting confused of where is all this going to… …And in that night we played chess…Remember what I’ve told you when we played chess? There is no chess without the King on the board…but the King is as good as dead without the precious help of his Queen… I was probably not the only one that you named her your Queenie in the spur of the moment …but most probably I am the only one that still offers a helping hand after all the hurt and troubles that you caused and after all the lies ….

When we left on Friday, you kissed me on my cheeks…I reached my hand to hold you and hug you and forgive you,  despite all the hurt that you caused to me….but I could not, I touched your hand and shoulder and I took it back…..because in that moment your heart was not open to understand it al…but one day it might be ….and in that day, my words will hug you as I could not when we said goodbye…and in that day you will book a flight to wherever I will be and you will give me a real hug with a true open heart…

I asked you what did you learned from all this? You said that you learned that it’s  not good to leave a book unclosed…but this is not what you learned, this is what you want me to learn….I don’t need to learn that, I already know it and I know also  for quite a while that “You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading the last one.”….unfortunately, I also know that I cannot close this book yet…because I am not in peace… and if until now 11 was constantly in this story, for some strange reason, 3 is now in my head…I don’t know why, if it’s related to time (3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years…) or if it’s related to 3 persons that I have to meet still related to all this…but until I will be in peace again, this book cannot end. No worries, though, you’re not my wish anymore for a long while, you’re not the reason why I keep this open …but still I know that more things are bound to happen related to this and until those things are happening and until I will be in peace, I will not be able to close this book….

Ich liebe deine Augen…..I love your eyes….you kept repeating that during our entire meeting as if that would be something good to remember from you …..but I can’t hear what you say, because your actions speak louder than your words….if you would have loved my eyes as you said…you wouldn’t have alowed them to develop open wounds at their corner from too much hurt and too much crying….you didn’t notice that when we met, but besides the pain of seeing you lie to my face and seeing you how you tried to make me feel as the “too creative” one to say the mild words…there was also real body pain for each tear I had….for each salty tear that was running through those open wounds from the corner of my eyes…

On Friday morning, on my way to work, it was raining…and my mind was at you, hoping that you will be honest enough at least one last time in that evening, when it was the last time that we will meet, to make me have a more worthy memory of you than the one you left lately…and still, tears were running down my face…as if I knew you will disappoint me once again …but it was raining anyway, so who can see the tears when you don’t wear an umbrella? …and then in my way to work I saw this… I was getting late, but I stopped to take the photo, because this reminded me that I was in Theresienwiese area…no need to tell more of why is this relevant to this story…and in this area, at one moment, when we were alone, I told you that my best friend in Munich told me once that “you must kiss lots of frogs before you find your prince charming” …it’s good that you didn’t saw my face then, I was crisping myself so badly the moment I heard what I said, because when I first heard it I said I will never say it to someone while being still in early dating…and there I was, bursting it out without wanting it, in our  4th evening together…it probably surprised you too, but then you laughed and said I hope I will not be a frog to you …and I laughed and felt at ease that you took it so lighthearted and I said I certainly hope the same, cause it feels more like kissing my prince now….but  a prince cannot leave this pond full of tears behind…I was wrong to consider that you were the prince that I was supposed to meet….you were just a man that loves Prince-Kiss and kissed me on this song…my intuition was close enough, but did not knew that you will leave behind a pond of tears…it’s not something that  a prince would leave…

The bond that I thought we had….turned into a pond……

I can only set fire to the rain now…

… there’s a side to you
That I never knew, never knew
All the things you’d say
They were never true, never true

[…]

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
I felt something that
‘Cause I knew that that was the last time
The last time

Let it burn
Let it burn