Importance of frustration&dissapointment
“Before we can find the answer — before we can even know the question — we must be immersed in disappointment.”
Today was again one of the memorable days of my life…it started bad….late wake up bcs of not being used to the new hour change…it continued great (meaning lots of work, lots of great achievements in the sense of efficiency and rapidity and also lots of work for nothing because of exterior decisions, rescheduling and last moments…but at least it gave me tons of work, so that was good, it kept me busy and with my mind focused on something constructive)…and with the energy I gained from working better and better I finally got my evening focus into my financial selbstanding papers of February and March and since I was at this chapter I had a look as well at January and the overall balance and cash flow that I’ve done….cleaning and structuring and organizing might not feel great before you do it, but the more you are in the middle of it, the better it is… at least until around 20-21 when I reached a certain bank info from january with a payment received and a certain payment paid back to the same person in march…aggro all over …and it went on long in the night… when i thought i was actually in the acceptance phase, the last of DABDA, cause I accepted there is no chance not even for friends…apparently I was still too much in the depression phase… depression and most of all disappointment….a bitter bitter disappointment that went on and on the entire night, from office to Hbf, to home, to a long bath and up until almost now…it’s 3 am and again i am sleepless like in another January night of bitter disappointment, trying to clear things up and move them from emotional to conscious and verbal level in order to sort them out and get through with them…
At least now, after all this disappointment that I swimmed in lately, I may have found an answer to my digging in the dirt to find some gold…to find some soul…to find something meaningful for me as well after all these months of terrible emotional torture … and if it will get a chance to reach in the other part, then this answer to my tormenting questions “Why did I had to get into this and go trough all this? Why I cannot find anything meaningful out of it (money or material things were never meaningful to me…) when what I offered was meaningful and personal and priceless and influenced probably the life of 3 people….why…what’s our roles in each other’s lives? it cannot be just that, it must be more meaningful than that…” …. at least I knew the questions , the right ones that kept me digging in the dirt to find some soul, something meaningful….I don’t know if it’s the right answer or not or whether this answer will be accepted as a solution…however, if I will get the chance to say it, at least no matter what’s the outcome…oh,well…at least i did my best and if friends we are not going to be, that is it. I did my best, game over for good and going straight and full speed towards the status of someone who I used to know. And if this will be the answer that will open another perspective for both and the healing path for me …than it will be worth trying it…I owe it to myself…
And just like always, things come in your way when you are ready for them …. 15 min ago…when I was just dead tired (it is 3:23 already…), emotionally messed up again and just wanted to go to sleep…I just got to a final browsing to make me tired enough to read and keep my eyes open and make me go to bed…and I found this article on Brain pickings: The Importance of Frustration in Creation, Animated version …and yeah, well, a short animation wouldn’t hurt before sleeping, no?….well….guess what…this short animation just structured my mind and thoughts and emotions from tonight into this post…because I was ready to structure them and life got in front of me exactly what was needed to understand myself better….and because of this, here I am, more than half an hour after…[vimeo http://vimeo.com/38798735]
When we tell stories about creativity, we tend to leave out this phase. We neglect to mention those days when we wanted to quit, when we believed that our problem was impossible. Instead, we skip straight to the breakthrough. We tell the happy ending first.
The danger of this scenario is that the act of feeling frustrated is an essential part of the creative process. Before we can find the answer — before we can even know the question — we must be immersed in disappointment, convinced that a solution is beyond our reach. We need to have wrestled with the problem and lost. Because it’s only after we stop searching that an answer may arrive.
I was convinced 2 days ago that there is no chance to be friends anymore, too much aggro and disappointment made me sure that a solution is beyond our reach….beyond my reach….i was just quitting, letting go, leave the pieces on the floor and go, because I was and I am emotionally exhausted at the highest level…..I am still highly skeptical that this answer will be the solution …but if it will be, then this is the only answer that I can provide in this moment… and most probably the only one that i will ever have, since I’m pretty much done with digging in the dirt and mess to try to find something worthy and meaningful …because the mess was not at all a fine mess as he said one time ….