Aggro

“Nenhuma pessoa merece as tuas lágrimas, e quem a merece não te fará chorar.” (Gabriel García Marquez)

“No person deserves your tears, and who deserves it will not make you cry.”  

I am tired, or better said emotionally exhausted  of doing my best to try to reach a friend status… I see that I am the only one that keeps trying, I put a cap over the  emotions that I still have, to get over myself and to hide it all as much as possible because I still care enough to try at least to get to the friends level….he said he wants as well but his actions are clearly not matching his words…inviting him for my party after all this, stepping over myself and what I feel just to try to be friends …and still he is not there nor sends a word about it until asked why….I’m sure he  enjoyed the company…. seeing this is just showing how much indifference it exists instead of caring and it’s producing more aggro to me….it’s time to let it all die……..friends, no matter what he said, it’s not where we are going… it takes two even for that friend level….and it needs care for each other…it’s not happening from both sides :((  …lies, there were all lies, actions speak louder than words :(((((

One day, he will just be someone who I used to know…

Until then, his presence here in town torments me and tortures me too much….the word that comes to my mind for this is Aggro …He used some time ago this word that I never knew before…Aggro….related to a Christmas situation that was hurting/annoying him and he was willing more to avoid it than to go through it… And these days he said he doesn’t regret nothing that happened between us and …that I shouldn’t regret also because  what I felt is special …but what have I felt?….strong feelings for someone who had merely attraction probably for me and he just wanted to enjoy his single status…with as little complication (emotion..) as possible…….so it all ended up with lots of hurt, aggro and more for me… thanks, but no thanks, I don`t want this… what he left is a bitter scar in me and I am not willing to look back and think that what we had was good..everything related to him, starting with personality, interests, meeting places  all was  what I was dreaming and searching for years …(read also pint number 7 on the photo below…) and just when i thought I will finally enjoy happy moments with him in the same city at least for a few months…things ended on his own decision without even considering me for a talk about it…i had to ask…..that is not what i wanted….just like I said at one moment…life is what happens while you are busy making other plans…..and life keeps giving assignments and lessons

I know that getting into this entire situation will be on my conscience and soul the entire life :(( …  I just hope to be able to forgive myself for this at one moment….because I was there 100% and what he got was given with full heart….this part I cannot regret because I was true to myself…but I could have been just as true to myself next to someone more worthy of my time and not making me feel so bad in the end….. in the end, I wish he would have never set eyes on me as more than a friend…or at least I shouldn’t have seen him as more than a friend, I should have listened to my intuition :((( …… if only we would have been just friends from the beginning until now, would have been great…..I cannot regret it because in the end, there is no mistake, there are only lessons (check point number 3 on the life assignment photo from below) ….I can only feel sorry about the fact that is stated at number 4….the fact that I did not learn how to properly apply a lesson that I was presented with in 2 previous situations of my life …and I thought I already  learned the lesson of Not allowing someone to become my priority while I am only their option, since in those 2 cases  I could say no before reaching too far emotionally speaking at least…

but this time, I did not saw things clearly for what they were and I was too weak to say no this time…and I became the option :(…this is a lesson that I hope I will never ever repeat in my entire life from now on……I hope the next times when I will encounter similar situations I can say no from the beginning and stick to it…

Looking at number 9 assignment….it’s always like this, the answer to life’s questions lies inside of me….just like the solution to get out of this is inside of me….I just need to look, listen and trust myself and my intuition that proved right so many times lately….and write down the experience to preserve the lesson for the future….and what I hear so far if I listen to myself is that this entire situation it only gave me aggro in my life and keeps giving it to me and whoever can give so much pain in my life it’s not worth suffering for……I had 3 months of growing the feelings for him while we were talking from lots of km away, with a couple of happy days in the middle of it all….and then, at only 2 weeks after we were again in the same city things ended even though he had  2 more months to live in the same city….next week is the end of these 2 months and a half of sharing the same city but not the same feelings or places …..and I am still in this aggro status… amazing how much and how long I can care for someone who clearly doesn’t and for someone who never felt the same way, no matter what he said…actions speak louder than words….he is just producing aggro to me in this moment, not happiness….what good thing can I remember from this when happiness (or better said naive trust and excitement of change/new/beginnings that gave the exhilarating perception of happiness) was only for a few days, but then there are already 2 months and a half-until now – of this bad emotional torment for me?….he was not worth of all the priceless gifts that he received, unfortunately…he had no appreciation for them and still doesn’t …

… the last interactions we had can only make me glad he’s leaving town next week…. I have one more week of aggro left and then some extra space between us….hopefully a healing space for me … cause friends, no matter what he said, it’s not where we are going… it takes two even for that friend level….I’m tired of feeling that I am the only one trying even though it’s clear that I am the one that had more feelings and care in this story and I am the one for who it’s harder to accept this new status, even if I know for sure that he moved on to another “local option” even before saying game over to me …….and still I kept on trying to forgive him and to find the path to friendship….because considering his complicated story, there’s nothing else that I would want….but even this friendship path search had exhausted me emotionally……friends is not where we are going, no matter how much I wanted at least this… 😦 …he is not doing and will not do a serious effort towards being real friends…it’s time to let it all die…and even though in this moment I think I am not able to do that…..remember point 10. Whether you believe you can or you cannot, you are right….it’s time to start believing that I can get rid of all this useless and painful emotional attachment that I have in this moment….

PS:  For those that don’t know what Aggro means…I can only  copy some of the best internet explanations of this slang  British British English   word:

ag·gro

/ˈægroʊ/ Show Spelled[ag-roh] Show IPA

noun British and Australian Informal .

1. aggressiveness, especially that of an urban youth gang or gang member.
2. trouble; irritation.

Aggro – Short for aggravation, it’s the sort of thing you might expect at a football match. In other words – trouble! There is sometimes aggro in the cities after the pubs shut!

Abbreviation of “aggravation”. Something annoying.

‘I’m not going to THAT pub again. That guy’s there and I don’t need the aggro!’

Aggro is an abbreviation for “aggravated.” If your girlfriend drives you aggro, you’re extremely miffed.

aggro– (informal British usage) aggravation or aggression; “I skipped it because it was too much aggro”

provocationaggravationirritation – unfriendly behavior that causes anger or resentment
Info taken from: 

http://www.coolslang.com/in/british/index.php

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/aggro

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/aggro

http://www.englishclub.com/ref/esl/Slang/A/aggro_1010.htm

http://grammar.yourdictionary.com/slang/british-slang-definitions.html

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