The Grief Glass
When you deal with grief, caused by a sad situation, like losing someone really important to you, whether because of a tragic death, a separation, a divorce or just a “mere” broken heart issue, how do you handle the grief? Do you deny the situation that makes you grieve? Bargain it? Get angry or depressed? Accept it? Change easy to a new phase of your life?
I was watching today Grey’s anatomy – Serie 08, Episode 16 – If only you were lonely, and I heard this dialogue at minute 29 ( you should watch also the rest of the episode as well to understand the background of the talk)
– Angie has no idea who you are.
– What? It’s ridiculous, she knows my order. Don’t even have to say it.
– That’s her job.
– The accident. She’s confused. She knows me. We have this thing, this flirtation…
– What did she say? Tell me exactly what she said?
– That she doesn’t have any idea who you are. That’s exactly what she said. You made up this whole thing in your head.
– No. You don’t understand.
– I do. It happens. I mean you see one thing and you think it means something that it doesn’t and pretty soon you start acting like it’s real. You have to stop….you have to just stop.
Seeing this scene made me realize that this kind of situation is close to one reason why I blame myself so much these days…. “Do you see me now? – Yes, I see you now…” we were talking at one moment… I “saw” and trusted someone that I shouldn’t have…ever!!! And even though it’s not the same situation, it’s not just my flirting imagination, up to a point it was from his side as well, but in the end, I saw and felt so much more meaning then it was for him….he just enjoying his temporary “single” status …..while I saw what I wanted to see, I probably heard what I wanted to hear, I omitted what I didn’t wanted to know or hear or I was to afraid or too naive and trusting to ask or say….So stupid! So so so so stupid of me! For a few days of happiness I got more than 2 months – and counting… unfortunately ;((( – of sorrow, grief and bitter taste…not worth it! He hurt me emotionally more than I ever thought anyone could…but in the end… I was hurting myself much much more than him because of this “seeing” thing of mine….I am my biggest enemy in this situation…unfortunately this is my current sad reality :(( …
And I just have to accept this reality, denying it and blaming it on the other person is stupid…. I could blame him so easy (…I was a flirt, like I told him intuitively in the beginning…. now I know he was just enjoying his single status… he’s the one to blame, right?… plus even if he said “no, there is no one else in Munich” when I asked him…I am sure I was not the only Munich “option”, his “truth” answer at this question could not convince me…I might believe …partially…some other things that he said during our “truth” talk, but this I don’t believe…she exists for sure in his life, she is connected to Sky bar, my week in The Hague, CS …and also the 2 nights before our “truth” talk….I don’t know exactly how I got all these hints intuitively or how all these are connected, but this time I know and I trust my intuition more than his words….watching him say “no, no one else” made me just smile and remember my wise Tunisian friend’s words “Keep smiling to life while it slaps you every day”….this is what made me be more lighthearted actually in the end….the fact that I cannot trust him anymore……and trust and joy are essential emotions in order for me to build up any meaningful relationship with someone else …. ) …..But even though I could blame him so easily….in the end, I do not blame him …. because blaming him is even more stupid than blaming me….I believe we are responsible of our own internal and emotional reactions to the external situations that we are exposed to… we as human beings are unhappy not because X died and this fate is so unfair towards us and we are the unlucky unhappy victim, not because Y left us and he’s a jerk that we should hate, not because Z is a bastard that made us miserable and all etc … (I heard many aggresive words like this…) …we are actually unhappy because of our either exaggerated or too prolonged negative emotional reaction toward that specific event that marked us and left scars in our heart….. and like I was saying in this post hopefully one day I will manage to also forgive myself for all my emotional reactions since last October because all these are the ones that are causing me so much pain up until today….and eventually one sunny day I will manage to walk in peace on that green grass field…
Back to the dialogue mentioned above….it just shows phase one of the “grieving patient”…denial…but when you are grieving, denying won’t cross you the river from the sadness shore to the happiness shore … you need to drink the entire glass up in order to get over it and accept the bitter reality for what it is…
The first time I heard about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s theory of coping with death that can be extended to most other similar occurrences was when it was mentioned on House. DABDA: First comes denial, then anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance.
And whatever you will drink while you are into a grieving situation…it will be very very very bitter for sure…. just to make fun out of trouble and even of the cloudiest situations, like generally we Romanians tend to do…let my friend Jack fill in your glass with some of his bitter drink…to make your life look sweeter while you will drink from your grieving glass…
If you need some help getting over something, then you can count on the Good Grief Glasses to get you through. Just kidding though, because alcohol is never the answer. Instead, it could be time, and a whole lot of patience and effort, not to mention support from the people you love. The Good Grief Glasses are more for comic relief, really: just how much do you need to drink when you’re in denial versus when you’ve already accepted everything? It’s all up to you, really, but these glasses can help.