Searching…for the green path…

When will that dream moment finally come? ;”(((…it;s so consuming to go through all this troubled roller coaster of emotions …  Where can I find that green healing grass under my feet?

And that interior peace that I felt…even though the entire moment was so intensivelly emotional in my dream, at least that pure peace and inner calm was something that I cannot wait to regain…and I hope to never lose it again.

I think I already know what I have to do…I need to forgive…but probably not him…he”s no different than others, what was I expecting?  :((( …I will need to forgive myself for it all…I”ve been my biggest enemy for allowing myself to get into this…and most hard of it all will be to forgive myself for offering pure pearls to those who don”t know how to see, understand and truly appreciate them…I am not a church person, but I see the pure meaning of the Matthew 7:6 quote…and I cannot forgive myself in this moment for this…not necessarily for the gesture of offering but more for the wrong choice of who I thought it”s worthy to offer…and it troubles me too much that I could not see things for what they really were in that moment….because I believed with all my heart that he”s different and worthy, I saw him in such a good way and sunny light…but the more the time is passing, the more I know I was wrong…his heart went missing at one point…. like I wrote in the post when? for sure during my week in The Hague….and now I  know more and more, intuitively, now that I discovered how to listen and to trust my intuition more, I am getting more and more puzzle pieces to see the whole picture… where and when that happened…sky bar and the party in that 3rd week of Jan has something to do with it…I know it only after I was as well in sky bar last week and while being there I knew it…..CS has something to do with it, probably from previous weeks or months…..I know it after this week’s CS meeting, again intuitively…and I could bet that there is/was another reason (most probably reason should be read another one..) that has something to do with that decision…a reason different than the family reason that was invoked….and I need to forgive myself for allowing someone else to drag me into this mess…and forgiving myself is beyond hard in this moment…