Suddenly

I`ve been trying lately really hard to get over a guy that means so much to me…..I was reading so many articles online, like this or this or this or this  or  this and some friends sent me this and many others articles that I just cannot remember now to add here ….and also, besides the articles, as painful as it was, seeing the difference between the early messages sent via sms or mail and the current attitude, talking about “our issue” …..it made me see clearer the ending and his mask of cold indifference  today…..and yes, eventually, between tears and pain, they all worked out, rationally I`m over because

  • I am not a person that starts with a long term relationship in the head….only the thought of a long term commitment scares me a lot in this moment…..but I do want the present 100%, I want exclusivity, availability just for me, involvement and commitment for the present moment……as long as this present moment lasts, as long as we both work on it…..and considering this need of mine and what I actually was offered….life is better single than hurting every day next to someone who is there only part time or maybe he doesn`t want to be there in the present… life had really too much irony for me in this case… meeting the kind of guy that had the personality that I was hoping for,  that seemed to be available for me as long as we both work it out together, because he was separated for years and already filled for divorce, waiting just for her signature to end it all …things were presented different back then when we`ve met…..and now seeing him hoping to get back to her…..leaves me heartbroken to say the least….and it`s worse that I understand it, that I appreciate him even more for choosing his kid`s happiness if she will decide to come back to him……I have no idea if she`s beautiful or not, I don`t care in the end, it`s not a matter of who looks more beautiful or not…what matters is that she has something that I don`t…she has his heart…and it`s better to move on than to stay in this fucked up situation…even though all this irony hurts so much and it`s not pretty at all….moving on is the only solution….and well….this situation even has a matching song: Alanis Morisette -Ironic  x1ety3_alanis-morissette-ironic_music ” It’s the good (****intuition***) advice that you just didn’t take / Who would’ve thought…it figures” ……. “It’s meeting the man of my dreams / And then meeting his beautiful wife / And isn’t it ironic…don’t you think / A little too ironic…and, yeah, I really do think… ”  ….. ” Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you/ When you think everything’s okay and everything’s going right  / And life has a funny way of helping you out when / You think everything’s gone wrong and everything blows up In your face”  …. I just hope at least the last part of this song will be true one day for me …. “Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out / Helping you out “

But even though rationally I`m over, I have accepted it`s all over and I am not willing to do anything to change this situation … unfortunately emotionally I still can`t be over … no matter how much I try to get over him emotionally …this is the result that I got so far…

You start to understand things are really that bad if even the person that generally cheers up everyone else is crying....

I guess I will just have to wait for those moments when I will realize that time and feelings change.……

And right now, on my search for a cure for all this situation, I might have discovered one .. it`s based on the Romanian proverb “cui pe cui se scoate” = “you remove one nail in the wall with the help of another nail”

  • …only that most people interpret it as you cure one broken relationship with a new one…I doubt it works…not for me at least…I tried dating already, not because of my proactive wish, but because a guy I`ve met  just wanted  so much to meet me these days for a date ….the irony of this date is that this new guy was looking like the kind of guy that always attracted me….his looks and his interests in life and profession were totally on the track, not off the track as the one for which I`m hurting now…..we even kissed! and it could have been even more if I would have said yes cause the attraction was there for sure during that date that we had… and he really seemed so nice and close to what I was looking for …..and then I found out that the new guy that I was dating is in exactly the same situation as the guy that I am trying to get over now….married, with a kid, a boy!! and separated as well…… so the entire date turned out for the worse. …..that was the point when I just got so sad and emotional and I could not have more with this guy….First, I realized that this is not the moment for dating,  it`s not fair for any new person to see me hurting and thinking of another one and being unavailable emotionally and sad and whatever….because now I am in pain, not in an open dating mood… …and second, especially in this case it`s also not fair for me to don`t have a chance from the beginning for a possible future, as long as it lasts….if things go wrong, I`d rather know it`s because of us and not because of a 3rd person or 4th that`s in his life……it`s not fair!!!!…it`s not worth it!!!!…..  I`m hurting too much right now to even alow a similar situation!!!…..so yeah….my entire date all ended up with getting some nice kisses and a very bad cold after that kiss, a cold that just ruined all my week-end plans….. ironic life, isn`t it?   :))….. no wonder I cannot find the guy for me if these are the options that life brings into my road… :(((
  • So I am in pain now…how to remove it?  If that proverb is true, I think only with more pain, not with dating….so in cases of annoying bad unstoppable emotional pain,  I think there`s nothing better to cure it than to put it into the proper perspective…into the perspective of life, real life pain and trauma, that happens unexpectedly and the life as you knew before is gone for good.  And that`s where Grey`s Anatomy series comes in…the medical series that I love and watch so often is the cure for this, especially Season 8, Episode 10 – Suddenly that you can watch at this link made me see how it can help me… cause this episode certainly made a broken heart seem so much less painful than the teared apart or taken out heart, isn`t it? …and at least mine it`s still beating…

So it`s good that I haven`t watch Grey`s anatomy latest 7 episodes, I need some pure raw life pain and events  … hoping that I will cure pain with pain …. cause I think this is the series that will put me back together…let the healing begin….

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