The end…it`s in his kiss…

It`s been my short life story….and now it`s time to truly end it….

This life story and all the intuitions from it, they all started here on this blog…exactly in the night before we first met, I was posting this I know... how did I knew it? how did i knew that a sunny boy will shine upon some of my next days, weeks, months? Don`t ask, I don`t know it also…this entire story was under the sign of my intuition…probably to prove me how strong it is…and to make me listen to it in the future….I knew good times were ahead….and in the same time I was right from the beginning, when I saw the end before it even started….And we did had the best of days….and now the worst of the days, at least for me they are …

Funny enough, among the topics that we discussed in the first night when we met, was also the movie “Eat, Pray, Love”  about which I was writing 1-2 weeks before this post on my blog “Ruin is a gift”. And talking about the movie concept and about love, we were debating why not call falling in love  something else…like falling into existence….and all the talks from that night and also other events in my life from that moment inspired me to write this post Turning 30 in the next days after we`ve first met…unfortunately, one of the lines in this movie is so true… We see only what we choose to see….  And unfortunately, I chose to see the myth, not the reality…I even experienced the myth… the myth and the butterflies in my stomach… and because of this…I`ve broken some of my life lessons, allowing someone to become my priority while I was just their option :(((…and the time spent with him and other things happening in my life made me realize why it didn`t work out with all the others that were in my life before him…it made me realize I want more than just attraction, I want more than personal compatibility, I want brain and mind compatibility as well…and it`s hard to find such a click….just like any other sapiosexual person, I want a brainiac person …one that is as in touch with his mind, personality as it is in touch with his intuitive mind, honouring this gift …..and I`m sure that this Creativity gift  that I have is influencing me and my choices and my likes….making me be pure workaholic and totally sapiosexual and brainiac in the same time… because,oh boy, he certainly was off the track for me, not at all in the same direction as all the previous men that were interesting for me, considering looks, age, past, family, emotional status…all…all it was all off the track…and I went off my track, I managed in the end to get over it all, even if a few years ago I said I Never would be interested in someone like this and like that………well……never say never…….because never just happened these last months… and it happened so unexpectedly…….just when I thought all that it was meant to happen it was a wonderful moment of being Fancied, it turned up, half of month later, that beyond another life lesson that I got,  when I was not expecting anything more than this, when the memory of his constant coffee invites just made me write this Musical trace   post  while I was far away at home, when we just restarted talking again…. online, without any real chance of meeting again in that moment or so we thought……when the talks about fear of this and that made me write this Honest read post…and a few other posts that are still not published ….but I might finish them and publish them at one moment….

Nothing is truly unimportant in our lives. It all maters. This is what I was writing in this post Life in a day ….and like I said in the next post,  Oh, well…!, “sometimes things don’t work out.  And if they don’t, I’d rather know that things didn’t work out as a result of situation number 2 than situation number 3.  At least I tried, at least I did something, I’d rather have action and oh,well… than lack of action and what if…?”  I’d rather have a life of “oh wells” than a life of “what ifs”.…and all this path that I was taking, trying to accept that things were not going to change into better, made me write another post about some important life things that I`ve learned… .and another about how important friends are in my life to keep me in the Fighter mode, to make me fight forward… to make me develop important entrepreneurship competencies, to make me reach Bett`a ideas…..and a Friendly attitude is what matters,  for all of us that consider ourselves Citizens of the world, and not just citizens of one country….and I was writing all this while being in my dear Romania…watching tons of movies and cartoons and thinking of the magic that was supposed to happen next …in my personal life and in my professional life, knowing that I am back…before I even had a clear interview answer that I will be back here….

And in just half of month of me being away, the magic almost happened… things just developed in both our lives and it all reached the two lovely days in Ostbahnhof, living the Sunny side up part of life…for me at least it reached the sunny side up…..and without knowing that this presence in the present will turn out to be so important for me….I wrote some days later this post Enjoy your gift about the surprising things of humans…among the ideas from there…“he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present”…..funny to read it now, knowing what I know and what I lived….in less than 2 months, I was writing again about the same topic, Presence in the present….only that this time it was clear at conscious level, not only intuitive and emotional level that this is one of the major stops in this entire situation of ours…

So all end November and December I could not wait for the January moments of seeing each other again,  and like I said in November when all was sunny for me, I was hopping Rencontreilles will be on my January path …. but unfortunately my January path turned out to be so stormy….so incredibly stormy….Snow storm that froze me into a cold depressing mood like I don`t remember experiencing in my life, even in my worst moments from 2010….even though things over all where so much better now than in 2010…then I could really be a fighter in the worst case scenario…now I could not, because it was not depending only on me…and I don`t believe in things that are forced to happen…

I did my best to try to recover, with my lovely Greek family I got a little bit of my cheerfulness back,  Harumena as they say, at least for one afternoon….. I did my best to get to see the bright side of life, even while I am in the middle of a personal snow storm…if no Angel is near by, at least I can always make snow Angels from all the incredible snow that I have in my life….. and when this did not work out anymore, there`s nothing a chocolate cake, a few extra glasses of wine and an unexpected talk with a person from 2010 that knew many of my struggles and made me feel so grateful for where I am now and for believing in me, despite all the issues that I had…mix these current emotional struggles with extra wine, a lovely art expo, a talk about the struggling past and the great present evolution that I managed in all this context, a grateful mood for life`s lesson, as bitter as they are sometimes….and it got me into a real Wohoooo mood!…at least for one night it did the trick….no other wine night that I had since then could do the trick of that night…

And all these ups and downs in my mood….like I was rarely in my life …and ups and downs in my weight (cause I discovered recently that I gain so so so much weight when I am sad and feeling unhappy, frustrated or no idea how to call this…what`s certain is that bad feelings affect me anyway in the sense of gaining weight out of thin air…and I lose weight in an instant when I am happy and cheerful and peaceful – more about this topic I will probably publish some other time, when I will analyze it all much better and see a solution on how to don`t let my emotions affect my weight and my health, especially thyroid related health…)….. and also lack of focus on the job that almost made me get into troubles …all these were reasons that made me realize consciously that it is time to Move on…as fast as possible…only that conscious may work, but emotions do not listen to it….emotions needed another closing….and in the Thursday that I wanted to try and end it all, to accept it as it is and to move on, it was not possible to meet…leaving me with the same unfinished bitter taste for 12 more days….12 days filled with chocolate and with plenty of other ups and downs ….and the 5 min meeting on Friday only made it worse, while browsing through the November messages to find the SIM number, comparing what was said then with what is said now….and it made me wonder….When…?  …and it made me discover the real word fitting to this entire life story of ours….it was not Rencontreilles, it was Yuanfen…. and it made me discover a song that I would not have appreciated otherwise, but certainly sings out the last night situation….Pleaca!…..Leave!….and it made me rationalize Valentine`s day attitude… Love hurts…really?

And somewhere around these last two posts, I had the strangest dream, about him and the woman from his life long past…I remember rarely my dreams, but this was too intense emotionally and made me wake up during or immediately after…

….I was walking on the green grass, bare footed, as I did many times in the summer here, as I love to do…and I was feeling so much in peace with all …and still emotionally all was so intense for me….and all of a sudden,  I could see him in front of me, together with a woman, face to face, and he was telling to her…my words….I just know and I could hear in my dream that he was saying some of my words from all our communication together…I just cannot remember which words,  from the moment that I woke up, I could not remember which words he was saying….and still, those words worked like magic, all of a sudden, I could see her turn of heart towards him….and as emotionally strong was the feeling I had in that moment, as full of peace I was with my green grass under my feet….

….and as it turns out, today I discovered that my dream image of her is so incredible close to reality…even though I have never talked about her, seen her or even thought about her and her looks before this dream … and I guess the reason why I cannot remember the words is because this is his part to figure it out……but if my intuition worked before, this might as well…

…as for me….I guess I just have to get out faster of this emotional snow storm that keeps me snowed in and just find that land that will put the green grass under my feet, the green grass that will heal me….and right now I am soooo tempted to grow green grass into my slippers and cheat out on this cold weather that will last at least for 3 more months….at least growing grass into my slippers should last less than that….

You may wonder how do you know it`s all over….you feel it, you know it, you hear it, you do your best to accept it…the talk tonight was the only thing I needed to somehow manage to close things up emotionally and don`t get this unfinished feeling that I had in the last weeks….but in the end, no matter what is said or felt…the end it`s in his kiss…

…his kiss may have brought once butterflies in my stomach ….but today is was just filling me with the bitter emptiness of a decision …. a decision that even if it hurts so bad, I really hope from all my heart that it will not be wrong and it will not be just for nothing …because, even if what we had cannot be called a relationship, cannot be called love, because, really, get real, like I said before, love doesn`t hurt….   however, no matter what was it and how you would call it, I hope the situations from below will not happen later on for him…because it would be such a pity to see this later on…when it will be for sure too late for me…

Like Sinatra was saying, the end is near…. this is the final curtain… the final page from this book that got added into my life`s library….or as he said…these are the cards that life dealt to us…thinking back, I can tell you the major card…it is 11 black diamond…reasons? my name`s initials are AS…which means Ace in Romanian, which is also considered 1 or 11 in a deck of cards…I chose 11 because this was also the number of our Fancied October room…and it`s black …because it`s not red first of all, in life you need a vibrant red to get through it all…and second because of you…and it`s diamond, because angels are like diamonds, you cannot produce them, you have to find them…and at one moment, we considered each other angels, touching each other`s life in good and somehow, I know we will further, no matter if we will be in contact or not….we`ll shine on…

I`ve told you tonight the life`s reason why I think I had to exist in your life and why I had to go through all this, it`s probably the only way that I could help you get the needed perspective to solve your life problems…and I`m still thinking if what I said before is life`s reason why you had to exist in my life and give me the needed support to solve my life problems …I still think of what I said then on the spur of the moment…because I would hate to reduce ….all this…to that…I hope your role in my life will prove more meaningful than that…

Alea iacta est … for us, life dealt 11 diamond black …and since the black diamond does not exist in a deck of cards…this is the end.