Move on

It`s time to write Chapter 4.  Move on.

Today in the morning, at work, I said to Chris that there is something wrong with today or happening today to me…but I had no idea what…he said come on, are u afraid that u will slip on snow or ice or that you won`t get the contract? ….and then he said that i am over thinking or feeling and i should not think anymore :)))) yeah right, like that would happen as long as i still have a healthy brain and heart and soul foul of emotions …

I had no idea why I was thinking this, but these reasons that Chris said didn`t seem to be the reasons bothering me ….and once again later on i saw that my intuition was right…it was something else….and if all this life story teached me something that is to listen to my intuition always from now on…

Back to what happened today….the plan for today was to work until 17 and then I was going tonight to talk about a possible new contract for a startup that needs help with marketing and online communication, especially since now as a contractor I can take more jobs in the same time.  And considering the wreck I`ve been in the last days, that was the worse week to go talk about contracts….but hey…all I can do these days is seize the day and keep myself occupied, work, over work yourself, be a workaholic again and exhaust all energy left out again in events, clubs or with friends cause it seems there`s no one around worth investing your time, energy and priority…..

I did my best to focus on work better than yesterday, remembering only that in the evening I had to go to St martin str for that talk, because it was a very familiar place to me, next to the office where i used to work in 2009…. all the details on how to get there with S/U/bus were written on a piece of paper since one week ago but i could not remember more than the final destination, St Martinstr….

The day moved on…a few not so pleasant moments happened, but I was sure as they apperead that these were not what was bothering me, these were not the reasons why I  said this day will have something bad in it for me…..Finally the evening came. I was getting ready to go to the talk, I left the office and before leaving the building I took out the piece of paper with the instructions on how to reach there…and my knees felt weak all of a sudden…I was reading the paper and I could not believe it…I was supposed to go with S to Ostbahnhof and change there to a bus until St Martinsstr…and the bus stop was right in front of the place where we met during the sunny Chapter 2 of this story… everything came back, how nice it was then and how bad it feels now, how ugly it turned out….exactly as ugly as my intuition told me loud and clear last September….

Ostbahnhof….why now? I was almost unable to move towards the meeting, it felt like the cruelest way to pay…and pay for what? for caring more than being cared for? …all my carefully built focus, concentration and cheerfulness that I gathered with so much effort throughout the day to prepare myself for this meeting…. all went away in an instant…sadness and pain beyond words filled me up so fast and stayed with me all the way to the meeting place…:(((…and this route made me remember in the same time moments of such sweet joy….a sweet joy that I doubt I will forget, a joy that left a big mark on my soul…a dimple shaped mark that will be there with me wherever I will go..

I wanted so much to cancel it all and just go home and probably like in other nights just cry myself to sleep ….unfortunately, because currently my phone SiM is inactive,  cancelling the meeting was impossible…I HAD to get there and I HAD to be able to speak and talk…contracts and work and money and all with a smile on my face, confidence and energy and positive attitude…all this while being in this fucking wrecked emotional status…..this was the bad thing of today, this is what my intuition was trying to warn me about in the morning… and somehow I managed to do all this, more or less successful, but this effort drained all the energy out of me and it still does, especially now while writing this….I don`t want to write this….but it`s already the second time that this situation interferes with my work, yesterday something else happened and it was close to having serious consequences on my current contract…. This has to stop. Seriously. I care too much for someone who couldn`t care less and proved it with all the communication or better said lack of it lately…..for more than 3 days since we last met I heard no word and then today all of a sudden small talk as if that`s all that we could say to each other after everything and after how I was on Friday evening in those last 5-6 minutes that we talked ….all is too disappointing and with a too bitter taste to keep it going ….It`s time to end this book. Chapter 4 will be the last one, closing this life story unfolded in Chapter 1 Fancied, Chapter 2 Sunny side up and Chapter 3 Snow storm.

It`s time to move on… it`s time to make soMeone happy by accepting that it`s all over…..cause hey, I should never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if I have to leave them alone in order to do it……..even if it doesn`t mean that this is what I want, that I am happy and in peace with doing this, even if I have the feeling that everything is left so unfinished in so many points of view…for me at least it`s like this and would be great to have  a closure of it all, especially emotionally, somehow to be able to heal all this :((…if only i would know how to do that …and how to move on to better days….

With or without you, it`s time to move on, because whatever I thought I found crumbled in such a disappointing and painful way ….it seems I still haven`t found what I`m looking for…or what I`m looking for still hasn`t found me…. or maybe just hasn`t seen me ;((…

It`s time to move on…it`s time to keep walking….and Johnnie and his friends might join me for a while, helping me to smooth my next walks…