Snow storm

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. You have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.”

This is Chapter 3. Snow storm.

Chapter 3 is not named Les Retrouvailles as I was dreaming about while writing Chapter 2 Sunny side up….Dreams…whether you believe you can do them or not, you are right, remember?…someone`s January dream came true, mine got hurtfully broken and crumbled to little frozen pieces…

This chapter is called Snow storm because the beginning of 2012 was like a storm for me…like a frozen snow storm to be more precise, at many levels….from the weather point of view, a little bit from the professional point of view and mostly from the personal point of view…

Let`s start with the easy things to explain and go to the really stormy ones later on.

On the professional side, I experienced a small stormy period…but not in the bad sense, it`s more in the team building way of speaking. If you know the stages of forming a team then you know it`s going through Forming – Storming – Norming – Performing and there are plenty of info on this topic available online.  Being in my first working month, I`ve had 3 weeks of training, intensive norming and forming from the beginning and I was encouraged to speak up if I have something  to say or add or bring to the team.  In the first day of my second week I was all alone in the office without being able to reach anyone and I had the worse case scenario happening as it was asked in my interview when I applied for this position…Fortunately, this stormy moment ended up well and happily my team doesn`t seem to be a team that would be provoking troubles, I only see happy moments, norming and performing ahead….

….but not all teams are lucky like my work team…especially in real life, sometimes, after storming, there is no more norming and no performing possible… I saw it many times, the apparently close friends, close teams, the ones that you would consider life long friends, performing as such at least in the opinion of everyone else, are actually taken apart at the first serious storming time between them and they never get to norm in the same direction…so they just can`t handle it otherwise than splitting up their paths in life….

At the weather level that I mentioned, consider that it`s winter in Munich…these days it was reaching even -15 during lunch and possibly -20 and -25 in the evening…however, the moment worth mentioning was the fact that this year I saw  my first snow storm, on that Friday, the 13th of January 2012 it was snowing heavily, with incredible powerful wind twisting the snow around and even with lightnings and thunders….wow, that was a real show of the nature ….

This photo was taken on December 10, 2011 in Fairmilehead, Edinburgh, Scotland, GB, using a Canon EOS 400D Digital. Photo taken by xxxrmt from flickr

In that moment I thought this real weather snow storm can possibly be my friend in my personal life as well and help me keep my dear traveler around for some more days….it was not happening…and anyway as it was said in that day, staying wouldn`t bring happiness…I saw then in that moment the first clear lightning in my personal sky, generally sunny and happy…that was the moment when a small little confusion storm started for me and ended up in some skype talks and mails that I have no idea how much were actually understood on the other side, now that I`m looking back…..and this small stormy moment was coming exactly in the first days of seeing each other again after basically 2 months, when I thought that actually things will get better and maybe sunnier…..unfortunately, that`s when the sky become cloudy …dark clouds related to booking full-time for someone who would`t do the same, making someone your priority while I felt only a nice option to spend time with and others….all these covered for a while my happiness making me really upset for the first time… but even in this case after our talk I could not be upset for too long….I was putting it all on differences of habits, differences between man and women, perception, culture and God knows what other differences came up in my head to explain all the behaviour that bothered me… but all these thoughts were mere excuses for not seeing what was in front of me…all excuses that I was making up for the other person so that I can be capable of forgiving and closing my eyes, ignoring again that undefined thing that was in front of me but I could not really grasp what it was….all was set into scene so that I could be blind and ignore the biggest issue….the lack of presence in the present…. I finally understood it only 2 weeks later …. and if I can take the risk of not having any future, I can`t take the risk of not living in the present. I want it all, in the present, I want to live today like I`ll never live it twice ….`cause you can’t rewind a moment in this life … each day’s a gift and not a given right…

So I went on …as if it was not enough that I ignored my intuition from the first chapter of this story, Fancied, that was telling me run, run, it`s just a moment thing, it`s time to close this chapter, don`t get tangled… but I thought I knew better, I could handle things better…..and the Sunny side up Chapter 2 confirmed after all that I knew better, isn`t it?…………..Oh, well!  Things were not like I thought, things were like I intuitively knew when no one else knew it and not even me accepted it….but at least I had some chapters of Oh, well and not What ifs in my life……..and now this Chapter 3 that I am writing here brought cloudy moments mixed with sunny ones and with clear lightnings striking from time to time and even with a couple of stormy events…and with all this loud warning, I still continued to ignore that I saw or perceived all these things, thinking that I just had my perception altered by the scary and thrilling feeling in the same time of experiencing new situations and new things and that I may be overreacting and overseeing things…so I didn`t took myself and my perceiving intuitive sense too seriously…wrong…so wrong….but yet there was no real big storm…there were just these relatively tiny moments that I simply considered as the awkward and uncomfortable moments of trying to adjust to new habits, to welcome a new person in your life while you`re not really being at peace with leaving your own life and habits and hobbies at a side for these new situations that seems like getting your life out of your hands and out of your own control.. I had this thought and emotions for more times, I`m sure he experienced the same….oh, this damn control that we need to have in our lives…. we want the control while we fear the present, the future, the ending, hurting the other one and so many other more or less justified fears….As I was saying in a moment of personal revelation in a few of my older posts:

“We’re never so vulnerable than when we trust someone – but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy” (from the post Loyalty)

“Love is composed of Joy + Trust….I knew it!” (from the post Wheel of emotions)

“Vulnerability is required for any meaningful connection in life….but most of the times this is how we embrace new connections…we`re trying to keep things under our control….because whatever it`s not under our control is damn scaaaaarrry….and you need a big bad bat in your hand to be able to protect yourself from the scarry bad people who want to take away your perfect moment of feeling that you have the absolute control in your life…”  (from the post called Whole hearted…as I want to become one day…)

These revelation moments are such stepping stones for my life, I know these are true from more experiences in my life …and because I knew it`s true I could get a little bit more vulnerable, a little more trusting, get loose this control need that i have many times….but I was not careful enough to notice that it`s not the same on the other side …

And because my usual empathetic and receptive personality was not this time attentive enough to the emotions on the other side, I went on undisturbed in my wonderful vision of the world created by the moments that i was enjoying, jumping around, joyfully and enjoying the happy moments along the present and hopping that the present will be at least nice as long as it lasts…..and i did that despite the fact that any possible future was clearly cut from the beginning (that was another warning lightning, or so i should have seen it…but for me it was just some relief, since a long-term future is to scary for me now to be able to even consider it…so i could just handle things one by one, step by step, only in the present…where I honestly thought we were at least present both of us…)

And one of the nice happy moments was watching together an excellent movie (Small island) in two different nights and there were only a few moments that i instantly memorized from this long 3 hours movie…

  • [0:13:42] “Hurricanes never come without warnings…and so it is in life….but when you think it`s root its damage {*if I understood correctly what they said…meaning just when you think the worse is gone}…there`s often worse to come…”
  • [0:50:08] “You want me to stay, Queenie? It`s for you to say…It must be your choice…”  “Stay…stay…”  “There are two kind of love, one is solid and enduring, like the ground beneath your feet, the other is like a hurricane, fierce and powerful.  It may come only once in your life, but it leaves a footprint on your heart…”
  • [1:24:38]”Class, race, sex, the human packing order is very much in evidence in London in 1948. The second world war shooked things up, but now Londoners wanted to get back to the way it was before the war, when England was a small white island where people knew their place. Dark skinned soldiers from the colonies, India and the Caraibians may have fought with English soldiers, but now they are expected to go back where they came from. The ones who don`t are unwelcome.  […] Queenie Baxton is a young English women […] There`s nothing very special about Queenie, except that she doesn`t see the world in terms of skin colour. It`s a small thing. A small thing that challenges the packing order of class, race, sex and makes all the difference in the world…”
  • [1:30:20] “Some believe that destiny is the predetermined path we travel down in life. Other claim it is the ruler[??] wheel of luck which shapes us. If it is luck, then perhaps it lies not so much in what happens to us, but resides within our own natures, in how we deal with the hand we are dealt…”
  • [2:24:40] “[….] You once said that I brought feelings in you you never knew you had, that it was a gift I had…I was his gift to me [if I understood correctly??] […] She saw the enemy was not in her, as she thought, but in the world outside […] The thing about starting life at the bottom, there`s no place to go but up”

How was I to know that shortly after watching this full movie a real storming emotional hurricane will hit me…and will hit me so unexpectedly that i couldn`t even figure it out for myself (how could i have explained it all?) why was this happening, what provoked my reaction and so on…..even though I spent hours awake trying to understand the cause, I was not be able to figure it out why it all happened until after 2 days …and to make things worse, this emotional hurricane opened up such a painful wound in my soul and heart…and in the exact next day two twisting knives appeared…one friend and colleague and also my “Greek mom” at home found exactly the next day the perfect one to ask me, with all the good intentions I am sure, if I am happy, if I enjoyed my times in the last days etc….ah, damn, it was the worst moment to ask me that, exactly when I had no idea what happened, but I knew that whatever I felt it was wrong in the previous week just turned to the worse and it was over from there on, there will be no more joy and happiness, it was just a matter of days until it will come all out….I was almost hitting the tears in that moment, luckily I still managed to keep my face and say something to avoid a direct answer….and to get faster a moment alone to unleash all the pain that I was feeling in that moment…

Since that stormy hit it`s been 10 days already…days of silence in the cloudy darkness…why silence and avoidance and ignoring is always worse and more painful than a clear situation, be it good or bad? ;(( …..even worse, this silence was just the silence before the real storm….a storm that started slowly a couple of days back for me and finally culminated this Friday with a long waited but not wanted intense lightning show and heavily frozen storms…exactly 3 weeks later after I first saw a real snow storm, I am experiencing the first emotional snow storm….

For the moment  it`s all temporarily stopped, I`m in a frosty snowed moment, still very dark, gloomy, cloudy, frozen and foggy and with no light in any direction, but at least this short moment of peace gave me some strength to finally get myself together and write about all these happenings from this month ….and like always, writing is helping me heal a little bit…bit by bit until I will be ok again…inch by inch like in the famous speech from Any given Sunday…”Life`s all made of inches, everywhere around us […] Either we heal now as a team, or we`re gonna crumble…” .. I guess it`s true…for some teams, after storming comes norming and performing, for others it all ends up in crumbling apart ‘;((