Too many feelings lately. Hot and Cold. Mainly because I didn’t take the first …no, It’s not …for an answer when I knew what I am searching for and what I want and I’m a believer that good things happen, only that it takes belief in them and time to see them. And I apologize for any discomfort ever caused, for any wrong thing that I probably did, but I can’t apologize for the way my eyes refused to stop shinning and believing recklessly until now.
But if it’s really not shared the way I would like it, as I get now crystal clear, I’m not willing to fight for it on unlimited term. This is as much as I can take. The rest is mission impossible
…and it’s time to stop and let it be just this... Friends … because I am willing to fight only for what it’s mutually shared, even if it’s less than what I have to offer.
That’s why this morning I’m so cold. As if I would have taken a cold shower. An ice shower. Cold as ice. I’m feeling frozen. No sparkles and no shine in my eyes today.
But I don’t care how bad it feels right now. I feel so damn alive just for feeling all this and so in touch with my self, I feel real. I wouldn’t change it any other way. Because each experience I have it’s a stepping stone bringing me more wisdom, more strength and more confidence in me and understanding of what I really am standing for, what defines me as a person.
And the note to self (that I wrote in this meaningful relationship post) just came true, and it’s time to respect it now. Probably for someone else who will consider me more than friends, who would consider me meaningful and precious enough to don’t offer me friends with benefits, hidden from the rest of the world, when what I want is something meaningful and special, open and sparkling happiness all around….ok, don’t get me wrong, as any new delicate thing that needs time and special conditions to develop, a meaningful relationship for me needs space and lots of privacy in the beginning, but for longer, if it’s not openly shared and explored, it’s not worth it for me. If I would accept this offer and hidden situation on an undetermined time frame, I feel that I would loose in my eyes the dignity and self respect, I would start feeling constrained and caged instead of free and happy, I would loose the sparkling shine in my eyes…and these are things that i like about me and I don’t want to loose them, so that’s why hidden benefits are not an option for me…
So it’s time to stop any illusion, impression, perception – whatever you call it – that it’s meaningful. Simply…it’s not meaningful anymore for me in these conditions, no matter how good it felt for a moment. So, as I said before in another post, your choice is clear now, my decision is also clear considering the conditions offered, so Noroc on your personal way, my friend!
And as long as we both want to, we keep just the friends level, that was and still is meaningful to me.
But for that to happen, my dear brain, do your work, keep raining cold showers on me with these words until I get it: …just friends…who don’t forget to shake hands…
Sarah Kay is right, always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boots nearby 🙂
… I certainly got today my share of substitutes for happiness! :p
I’ve bought today my chocolates and also my new pair of “rain boots” :),
fancy little shoes that look like an artist dropped colourful paint drops on them, just to make sure that even if it rains heavily in my life, in the end my mind will still land on the beauty of this funny place called life! 🙂
Start raining, brain, I’m ready, start raining cold ice frozen showers with the words you already have engraved in my soul. And if it’s not enough to cure you of all the impressions you had lately, remember these songs that are filling my ears now.